Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Twenty







Cheers to the big two oh (aka 20)!

My birthday has never been a big deal to me. I've never been one of those people that's like "I'm the birthday princess! Get me everything I want! It's my birthday!" and I still am not like that today haha. My birthday has always been super awkward for me because I'm not someone that likes attention on themselves, like even when people tell me "happy birthday!" I'm like super stuck about how I should properly reply or react still.

This birthday was no different. I didn't have any big celebration, I got no presents, no grand gestures etc, which I am completely fine with. This was a hard birthday coming up for me for a lot of reasons, but even though nothing big happened, I think the best present this year is from the universe and it is the present of realization and friendships. 

I've been so used to celebrating my birthday with just my significant other and one or two other BFF, but that's it. After securing those two or three people in my life, I make no effort to make more friends. Since this year has been completely crazy and life-changing for me, it should be no surprise that my birthday routine changed just a little too. To "celebrate" my birthday this year, I had small get togethers separately with a bunch of friends throughout the week (still happening haha) instead. Just one on one time, which I have enjoyed immensely making new friendships again, finally. I've never been someone with many friends - I keep one or two super close friends and that's it. Only recently have I been making an effort to make friends again and it's nice having a variety of people to talk to and realizing that you've been surrounded by so many good people all along. My friendships are also stronger than ever now, or more like I feel that I connect with people on a deeper level now because I am so unashamed of what I say. I've always been a very honest person, but since October, I've felt like I've been so scared and cautious of whatever I said because I was keeping so many secrets and lies, but ever since I lost everything and was broken up with, I've felt so free and I think my new friendships appreciate this bold honesty. Also, remember the other present of realization I mentioned? That's been the best present from the universe ever! 

As you have been reading from me lately (or not lol), I've been super heart-broken after getting back with my ex-boyfriend and being dumped. I feel like I've held him on such a high moral pedestal and have always thought he was my moral compass, like I aspired to be like him and always do better because he was such a good person and I didn't want to disappoint. Even after we broke up, I was always afraid that I would never find someone as good as him again. However, new news has been brought up to my attention about him and I have finally realized that he is not who I thought he was and I am not as bad as I thought I was... I have done bad in my past and have made tons of mistakes that I still cry and hurt from, but I own up to them. My ex, I have realized, does not. Even when mad and apart from my ex, I protected him and I even still do to this day, even though I have the power to hurt him, I don't. My ex has never done this for me and has always just watched out and protected himself only. I own up to my mistakes and admit my faults, but my ex has always just played victim and has done/said whatever he had to to protect himself no matter the cost on others.... This is not the man I once knew. He is now a stranger whom I would never want to meet again. Like many girls, I have been disillusioned by a worthless boy that I cared too much about while he cared nothing about me. I am a crazy and very impulsive person, but at least I am a very honest person. I am much better than he and I have led myself on to believe and I deserve better than a selfish and dishonest boy, so thank you universe! This is honestly the best surprise ever because I never thought I would reach this point... I'm finally so happy. I mean, I have tons and tons of questions and things to say, but I'm accepting that sometimes, the world does not give closure or answers and we just have to live with that.

So, heads up, buttercups! Cause this girl is finally 20-years-old, out of a funk and ready to rock the world!

Also, psst! Yay for my new camera! Get ready for better quality pictures finally!

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