Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Bittersweet



I don't blame you guys if you are getting sick of reading my rants about Berkeley, so if you are, feel free to stop reading, but this rant is very important and sensitive for me.

I'd like to say that I've been feeling pretty good for the past like 3 weeks. If busy, I was able to go a few hours maybe without thinking about my ex, however, this past little over a week has been hard. I had to go up to Berkeley again yesterday for orientation and registration and I flew up there all by myself! Might not sound super crazy, but it was for me because although it wasn't my first time flying alone, it was my first time flying to Cal alone and taking the bart over there by myself to get to campus.

So let me explain my sensitive situation: when my mom dropped me off at the airport, I was tearing up super sad to separate from her, but then when I landed, I felt super liberated and independent and was so happy riding the bart to campus myself and walking to the residence halls on campus by myself that I was smiling so wide looking like a fool! However, after dropping off my bags in my dorm and walking around Telegraph alone, it kind of hit me that this is how my life will be looking like for the next 2 years: alone. It wasn't necessarily a sad feeling because as I said, it feels liberating and exciting to do and learn all of this by myself. The sad thing is that I have worked two years to get to this amazing school and to feel all of this righteousness that I am feeling, but I always imagined this moment with my ex by my side, too... Even though he never wanted Berkeley, I always foolishly imagined that he would still be up here just simply exploring with me and sharing this moment's excitement. 

I've cried like five times these past few days for the first time in like a month and like I said, please don't think I'm still miserable because I'm not! The cries are more bitter sweet from the happiness of officially adapting to Cal life and from the sadness of realizing that the vision I have envisioned for myself for the past two years has not equated to my reality and that I am now forced to accept it even though my heart is fighting it like hell. It's just been hard because I feel like it was just yesterday that my ex and I were talking about moving to a university together finally and how ecstatic we would both be to start this journey all over again, and now I'm facing and learning everything alone instead. People say college is a time to focus and learn about yourself and I should embrace this because I'm single now and have no one to care about but myself and I'm in the perfect environment to cultivate myself, but I'm still having trouble letting go of the fact that I really wanted to do all of this with my ex, too.

For the past little over a week, I've been going back and forth between my feelings the way I did in the beginning of the breakup, so it's been difficult because I felt like I was advancing so much and now I'm kind of back to where I began almost. I think a lot of the sensitivity is from an infection a few weeks ago (you know when you're sick all you want is to be comforted!) plus this trip. All I can say is that some days are definitely harder than others. Some days, I feel light as a feather and other days, I feel like I'm carrying a luggage full of rocks around. For the days that are light as a feather, I'm proud of because these few days give me hope that perhaps one day soon, most days will become just like that and for the days where I'm carrying rocks, it's helping to build muscle for future use. I have no doubt that I will be happy and thrive at the University of California, Berkeley. I have already made some friends and look forward to continue doing so, but for right now, realizations are still coming in waves and so, I'm waiting to ride these emotional waves out until my final move up north in August.

P.S. sorry all of my pictures have been super bad phone quality lately! I lost my camera, but I'm buying a new one and a better one very soon (*hint* DSLR finally! *hint*)!

UPDATE: I haven't been able to sleep at all lately, but I cried again last night super hard and talked to a few people, then I knocked out and slept like a baby! Crying = the most satisfying sleep ever!

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